I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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