I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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