Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
