Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
