I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
