Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
then he tried to convert me to islam
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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