the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
