Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
now i know why i became what i already was.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
