there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
