proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
