i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
