All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
