Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
