guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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