he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We had to coat check the pizza.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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