i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
