i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
