You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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