he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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