I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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