this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
