i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
