All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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