Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
