i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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