you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
