How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
