We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
