Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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