Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
