Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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