I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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