I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
