At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
