We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
