there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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