when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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