I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
