He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You can't just leave with hair like that
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Randomize
