Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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