Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize