If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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