Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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