Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She bit a glass in half.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
