# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
