I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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