dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize