I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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