11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
