Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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