my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
