We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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