last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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