People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
