White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
