so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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