my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
