Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
