addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
