those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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