you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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