I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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