Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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