Im at strip club and am horny
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
