It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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